following the eye

the world spins counter clockwise

nothing is as it seems

and i’m just as i was before

suspended in this realm of make believe

depressed as she is in the winter

cos summer is on its way

and i can’t bear to remove these layers of recovery
the clothes hide what i’m really ashamed of

how can i handle this

my first summer being okay?

 

i’m afraid

nervous

shaking 

 

i 

can’t

 

 

i have to be okay

everyone is depending on me to succeed

i can’t let them down now

i'll just push these thoughts to the back of my mind and pretend 
(plastic smile my way through these last few months of 
senior year and make it to fall, winter, college, and happiness again)

valentine heart for the little boy

An eight year old boy just got open heart surgery

For the third time

I don’t know his name

But when I heard he had a balloon inserted to help his heart beat

I thought, “Why?”

Here I am, a “victim” of myself

There he is, really struggling with some crazy outside(inside) forces

I think of him

And I feel corrupt

Here I am, making such a big deal about my own problems

There he is, with a barely functioning heart

 

Happy Valentine’s Day

Cupid, take my heart, instead of his 

Cos I can’t bear to see his mother cry anymore

whaaa?

 

I sit here, staring into the dark gray sky, questioning my very existence.

It seems strange  that just one month ago, everything was different. 

I think about life, as I now know it, and am shocked to realize that I have no idea how I got here. 

They tell me that my mistakes are not who I am, but who are they to know? I am blown away by the series of events that have gotten me where I am today. Stories you wouldn’t believe, battles you’d never want to fight; I’ve done almost everything. 

I sit here, staring into the dark gray sky, realizing my purpose.

It seems surreal that just one year ago, I had no idea who I wanted to be.

I think about the future, as I want it to be, and am happy to realize that I have no idea how I will get there. 

There is so much beauty in the unknown and it is because of that beauty that I vow to never try to fill in the lines of these past few years, to never create those ‘what-if’ scenarios that make my head spin. I began on a road unpaved and untraveled and I leave behind, a path clear enough to follow, if you dare. 

nope

I cannot sleep tonight. I just keep singin’ to myself, “It’s a wild wild wicked world.” And while nothing seems to be going my way, I think I’m gonna be fine.

“Change is rough,” she told me, as I cried on the floor, regretting my lunch, craving something more. I need some food, not the food you eat, some food for thought but nothing is satisfying my deep deep hunger.

Levels of maturity waver, I couldn’t print my first paper. I’m nervous and so anxious and my mother lost her job.

I feel like no one understands that when they fall, I fall with them. I am just a people pleaser, a do-gooder, always smiling, forever putting on a show. The fibbing fixer.

Sometimes... well, sometimes, it just gets old. 
Sometimes?... well, no, most times, it just gets old.

weak week

“Where is all the cash you say? Went up your nose.”

mom, she lost her job

and dad, he let me cry about it

i made a chanel bag look nice 

i’ve been wired all night making posters for NEDA week

 

maybe it’s just a matter of opinion

but everything just feels so repetative

and i do not want to wear a bathing suit

or tight shirt

and what am i to do?
i’m not going to just sit here and wait for truth

 

Where is all the cash you say?

 

this was a shitty week

this is a shitty entry 

i am not smiling (and it feels so foreign) 

 

the night is ending and i have just begun with the self-defeating statements 

 

snow (snow)

Four blankets and I’m still shivering. Four unread text messages and it’s you I’m missing. I always seem to pull the short straw, the small half of the wish bone. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating, that maybe it’s my turn to get what I want. My room is so messy, like my mind and I know I’m a lot to handle. I am the word crazy, defined. Underneath that mess though, I’m just like the rest of the girls that you know. But I’m too far away, and we’re blocked by the snow.

nothing lasts

d r a w n  o u t words 

we fill the spaces with sideways glances 

is it true?

have you heard?

no, it’s all a lie

i just smile and say i’ve been gone for a while

high school is just one huge gun, its students, the trigger

you’re all liars

i’m only a fibber

i’ve got the first day jitters and i’m a quiter

Right, no one ever said this would be easy. And sure, I’ve heard it all before. “It’s no big deal. They’ll love you.” 

This is my fifth first day at a high school in the past four years.

I’m right back to where I started. Just as afraid as a freshman, just as alone as the geek in the corner. I can’t believe I’m here again. After everything, sure, I will turn out all right. That’s not the point. Of course that, no matter if they like me or not, I will survive. Life will go on; I already have the best friends I could have ever asked for. Again, that’s not the point. These people, they know me. They have heard the truth, the lies. 

And I’m afraid of what they are going to think of me. 

 

awaiting the senior hallway of terror

 

 

I used to think high school was going to be easy. Turns out, it is anything but. 

dancing into destruction

your sweet voice as my guide

slipping deeper into this depression

 

i missed you 

you cut through me

here’s to today

jumbled thoughts from a jumbled mind:

courtesy of amy frances tenenbaum

tomorrow is going to begin a cycle of change in our country. a stroke, a wave, a chain reaction like no other. i am excited beyond words. not even mr. webster himself has a word for my happiness. it feels strange to sit here and write this. i feel like i have been waiting so long for this and now that it is here, i do not know what to think. i want to scream and cry in the same breath. rejoice for my future and all of yours. THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. so without further ado, i give you the inauguration day: january 20. 2009. so skip class, call out sick from work, and turn your televisions to the face of our future. our future is barack obama. our future is joe biden. they are the head of your country. YOUR COUNTRY. and in four years, they will remain that because i have faith that they will do great things this term. great things that will lead to a re-election. great things that will lead to more screams/cries on my part and i welcome this greatness with open arms, open mind, and most importantly, an open heart.

my future, your future, our country's future

obama/biden FTW, democracy all the way!